Post by adreannaTal{fb} on Apr 27, 2011 6:30:21 GMT -5
My wife wants to be a slave... but not with me
( found this to be interesting when stubleing upon it now shareing)
Question:
Some background, my wife and I have been married for several years. We both are pretty open-minded and have talked about alternative lifestyles but that has been just it, talk.
A while back my wife was introduced to the Gorean lifestyle in a game she plays. She gave me a brief overview of it, slave master relationship, speaks in third person etc. and told me that she was having fun role-playing.
I was fine with this, I mean it's a game and if she enjoys it thats cool. However, she's become very obsessed with it staying up all hours of the night and becoming more and more involved.
I come to find out that she has been talking over IM to her in-game master and it progressed to the phone behind my back. I was never made aware of this and caught her in the act.
I'm truly crushed that she'd hide this behind my back when I've been so understanding and open with her about this. I feel very betrayed and have so many mixed emotions about it and was hoping I could find some answers here.
We have discussed the issue and she admits that she was wrong for hiding it and that she didn't mean to hurt me. My wife said that she has always felt there were two sides to her and that doing this makes her feel whole and that she needs this. I asked her why she couldn't come to me with this need and she says she doesn't see me in that way. In our marriage we are equals and she is very strong willed the last thing you could consider her is submissive let alone a slave.
I am very mixed up and I can't seem to get past why she can't try to practice this with me if she needs it, why go to another?
Why when in our marriage I have a damn hard time asking her to do things for me, yet she's willing to explore being another man's slave when I am her provider and husband? Don't I deserve a wife that wants to place my needs up high?
I feel this is a dangerous path allowing her to do this in game still. She has promised to never go behind my back and call him again, but my trust is very shaken and I am very shaken with these thoughts in my head.
Answer
Hello...
First of all, I want to say that I understand your confusion and concern, and that I hope I can answer your questions and help you come to some resolution of this problem.
Secondly, I will state very clearly that the Gorean lifestyle is NOT a game. Yes, there are many role-playing chat rooms on the web, and some who frequent them do think of this as a lark and something to turn on and off like a costume or a round of Monopoly. But to thousands of others around the world, this is a very real lifestyle that is practiced 24/7 without ever turning on a computer.
The Gorean lifestyle goes far beyond just the Master/slave relationship. It is a whole-life philosophy that governs every phase of a person's life. I hesitate to call it a religion, but it is a very spiritual thing for many people. The foundation of the philosophy is something called the "natural order," which basically says that each of us is born to fulfill a certain role in life. For some, that may be the role of a Master or a slave, or it may be the role of a warrior or a healer or a scribe (soldier or doctor or accountant).
My Master and I consider ourselves Goreans, and yet neither one of us has been in a chat room for years. Our lives are very much like many who practice consensual slavery in the BDSM realm, however I do not consider myself submissive. I, too, am a strong-willed person, and I have been known to argue with my Master from time to time. My one goal in life is to please my Master, and it is actually up to me to determine how to do that. I must use my powers of observation, my imagination, and my ability to learn, to figure out what will make His life easier. While many Gorean couples do incorporate complex ritual into their lives, we do not. If you were to come into our home, you might not be able to differentiate our relationship from that of any other couple. Except for the fact that he makes all the decisions, and can do anything he wants with me....even if that was to sell me to another. And I do not have the capacity -- psychologically speaking, to resist.
Now, as to your particular situation. I have known of many women (and men) who have stumbled onto the BDSM or Gorean lifestyles, perhaps at first thinking it was a game, and then finding out how much it speaks to some inner need within them. (I know, I was one of these people.) I suspect that your wife was dissatisfied with your relationship, or at least feeling that something was lacking, perhaps without understanding why. Discovering the slave within her has helped her to better figure out what it is that fulfills her, and now it is up to the two of you to learn how to deal with that.
I recommend that you do a little research into what the Gorean lifestyle is all about. Actually, there are three Gors. The first is the fictitious world written about in a series of 26 fantasy novels by a sociology professor, primarily in the 60s and 70s. The second is the on-line world, where people go into chat rooms and pretend that they're living on this fictitious world. (Although if you read the books, you will see how different the chat rooms are from what is portrayed there.) And, lastly, is the lifestyle chosen and practiced by many in the "real world." Some good sites to start with are:
www.gor-on-earth.com/
www.pantheus.com/TGV.shtml
dreamstrike.com/gorintro.html
Here are some other resources dealing with other forms of consensual slavery:
www.enslavement.org.uk/
www.bestslavetraining.com/
rlslavery.com/
I suggest you go over these sites with your wife, and discuss together what you read there. Explore with her what it is that draws her to the life of a Gorean slave. Is it the rituals, or is it the feeling that she is so totally owned by another that she has no control of her own life? (And I will tell you that surrendering yourself so completely to another provides a strange sense of freedom that can be very exhilarating.) Then, you need to sit down and do some serious consideration of your own. Is this something that you can be a part of? Or, if not, would you be willing to share her with a Master, in order to fulfill this "other side" of her? (I will say that I don't know of many who can live a dual life like this for long. As the Good Book says, you can't serve two masters. After all, what if this Master, whom she has vowed to obey totally in all things, commands her to leave you and come to him? It's happened.) And, if you can't be a part of this, then can your relationship be saved?
Perhaps, before closing, I should also state that my Master and I are devout Christians, who actually find support for our lifestyle in the Bible. And that 5 years after he collared me as his slave, he also made me his wife. We have been together in bliss for 7 years now.
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I have a very similar experience.
My wife too plays an online game where she has sports a submissive persona, and is involved with a variety of BDSM environments. She too has spoken on the phone. However, my faith and trust isn't shaken, nor should yours. I will say I am surprised because my wife too is a strong personality who I view as my partner and best friend. Buck up though, if anything, this means there are some exciting times coming. So here is my advice to you, communication, investigation, and experimentation.
First, you need to talk with her more openly about this newly visible side to her.
Don’t make her feel ashamed or wrong for be shy about it. Reassure her that she can do no wrong as long as it stays inside the confines of the online game. Don’t get your ego heart if she can’t tell you what is so stimulating about her experiences. We all aren’t poets, and chances are her love and dedication to you and a perceived chance at hurting your feelings or being rejected are going to cloud any chance of unfettered recounts of what got her breathless, that is where the investigation comes in, but don’t worry with the other steps communication will become easier.
The thing that compels most to an online environment is a desire for companionship. Second compelling reason is a mode through which explore all means of lifestyle without fear of consequences. Again, set aside your ego and stroll through this new realm with her. Satisfy this first need of hers by becoming a non-interfering observer and if you so desire a participant. I find this easiest/fun by creating a female persona online and becoming my wife’s ‘friend’. This way you can witness first hand what is going on. You may like it, you may hate it, but at the very least you are spending time with her and have something new to talk about.
The goal is to observe what she is what she may be having a hard time explaining to you. You too may find some unexplored wants of your own. You may very well find it all lame, but it will demonstrate by action that you’re not going to reject her. This will free both of you to experiment in the real world.
Next is the experimentation. This is the very fun part, but requires much patients. Between a man and woman, there is no right and wrong or unethical behavior if both are consenting. That being said, not every time is the right time. This is a huge dilemma, because waiting for permission is tense for the seeker and tiresome for the grantor. Fix this issue with scheduling a routine time and place.
When the time comes, don’t ask, Act! I know it hurt when she said she just didn’t see you that way, but your first mistake was asking! Put the worry on the shelf and put some of that now observed knowledge to use. By this point in your relationship, you should know the good ‘oh’s’ from the bad ouch.
If not, learn to listen, and be willing to stop when it’s called for. Other than that, act with decisiveness and abandon any ideas of rejection. In the rhapsody of diverse audible and visual stimulus she has been receiving, all of it lacked any physicality.
For her, up to this point it’s all been a solitary intellectual exercise. Give both of you a chance to feel out the reality of the matter. With that she will be able to understand all parts of her person, and see you in a new light. It may confirm a new lifestyle for her with you still the lead man, or it may cure her of an addiction. Ether way you’ll have had some interesting times.